Am I Too Much?

On being an emotionally intense person in love

Part of The ShieldMee Guide: Emotional Intensity & Personality Patterns →

Usually “too much” doesn’t mean too much.

It means more than that particular person could hold.

If you’ve asked yourself this question, it was probably late at night, after a fight or a breakup.

Someone told you that you were too much. Too intense. Too sensitive. Too needy. Too emotional. Too you.

Some part of you believed them. Now you carry the question around like a verdict.

Let’s take it seriously, from both sides.

“Too much” is almost always relative

“Too much” isn’t a measurement of you.

It’s a measurement of the gap between your intensity and someone else’s capacity to hold it.

The same depth one person finds exhausting, another finds like the most alive they’ve ever felt.

You weren’t too much. You were more than that person could hold. That’s real, and worth understanding. But it isn’t the same as being broken.

The people who feel everything at full volume are often the people who love hard, show up completely, and refuse to do anything halfway.

That isn’t a defect to keep apologizing for.

And intensity can cost you

This isn’t a “you’re perfect, they were wrong” article. That wouldn’t help you.

Left unmanaged, intensity can strain a relationship.

When the volume takes over in a fight, you can become, for a few seconds, the thing the other person is afraid of, even while you feel like the one under attack.

The flood hits. The words come out. The regret arrives after.

If that’s happened more than once, be honest with yourself: the trait isn’t the problem. What happens to it under stress might be.

So both things are true. The intensity is good. And what you do with it when you’re flooded is the actual work.

Shrinking yourself doesn’t work

A lot of intense people try to become less: smaller, quieter, more agreeable, less “much.”

It never holds.

You can perform smallness for a while, but it costs you. It leaks out sideways. Eventually it breaks.

Worse, it teaches you that the real you is a problem to be managed. That isn’t true, and it’s a miserable way to live.

The goal was never to feel less. It’s to aim the intensity instead of spraying it.

What actually helps in love

• Know your pattern. Learn it well enough to see the flood coming before it lands.
• Learn to repair. Not avoiding every rupture, but coming back well after one.
• Build the skills. Ride a wave of feeling without setting the room on fire. DBT skills are built for this.
• Choose people who can hold your depth, instead of shrinking to fit people who can’t.

If you love someone who’s “too much”

Maybe you’re on the other side of this.

You love their depth. You’re also tired.

You don’t have to choose between loving them and having limits. Couples work can help you both: one person learns to aim the intensity, and the other learns to stay steady without shutting down.

What therapy looks like with me

I won’t try to make you smaller.

I’ll help you understand your pattern, catch the flood earlier, and repair faster when things go wrong.

I work with individuals and couples. If the same fight keeps happening in your relationship, we can work on it together.

Who this work is for

• Adults who feel things intensely and keep paying for it in relationships
• Couples where one partner’s intensity has become the center of every fight
• People coming out of a breakup with the question still ringing

You don’t need a diagnosis to start.

Who this isn’t for

If you are in immediate danger or thinking about suicide, call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

If there is violence in your relationship or you feel unsafe, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

I work with adults. If you are under 18, this page is not describing services for you.

Sessions must take place while you are physically located in Florida.

Frequently asked questions

Is being emotionally intense a disorder?

No. Intensity is a trait. It becomes a problem when it consistently costs you in relationships, work, or how you feel about yourself. That part can change.

Will therapy try to make me less intense?

Not with me. The goal is to aim your intensity, not shrink it.

Can my partner come too?

Yes. Intensity usually plays out between two people, so working on it together often helps.

Do you offer therapy in Spanish?

Yes. Sessions can be in Spanish, English, or both.

Do you take insurance?

Yes. I’m in-network with Aetna, Cigna, Florida Blue, UnitedHealthcare, Oscar, and other plans through Headway. Check your coverage and see your cost before you book.

When can I start?

Appointments are generally available the next day or within the same week, every day except Saturday.

Related reading: Emotional Flooding · What Is DBT? · Is My Marriage Worth Fighting For?