We Don’t Talk About That

What families pass down without ever saying out loud. A family can make one person look sick when the anxiety actually belongs to everyone.

Part of The ShieldMee Guide: Family & Parenting →

Every family has things it doesn’t say.

Sometimes it’s an obvious secret.

Sometimes it’s the father who disappears when he’s angry. The mother everyone knows not to disagree with. The daughter who learned to keep everyone calm. The son who became the problem whenever the marriage became unstable.

Sometimes nobody knows exactly what the rule is.

They just know it.

We don’t talk about that.

Murray Bowen spent his career watching what happened when families were under stress.

He wasn’t only interested in the person who was having the symptoms. He wanted to know what was happening around that person.

Who got anxious when they got anxious?

Who moved closer?

Who pulled away?

Who got blamed?

Who became responsible for keeping everyone calm?

The symptom was in one person.

The emotional process was everywhere.

He watched the whole family

In the 1950s, Bowen studied families at the National Institute of Mental Health. He was working with people who had been hospitalized with schizophrenia, but he became more and more interested in what happened between the patient and the rest of the family.

He watched what happened when one person became upset.

Someone moved closer.

Someone pulled away.

Someone tried to calm everyone down.

Someone became angry.

Someone became quiet.

Someone became the problem.

The more he watched, the harder it was to see the person as the whole story.

The family mattered too.

That became one of the central ideas behind Bowen family systems theory:

People affect each other.

When one person becomes anxious, the anxiety does not always stay with that person. It can move through the family.

Where the worry goes

Think of anxiety like water.

It looks for somewhere to go.

When two parents are under a lot of stress, they may start focusing on one of their children.

The child is acting out.

The child is failing school.

The child is anxious.

The child is drinking.

The child won’t listen.

Now there is a problem everyone can see.

And sometimes that problem is easier to deal with than the one nobody wants to talk about.

The parents may stop talking about their marriage.

They talk about the child instead.

They go to meetings about the child.

They argue about the child.

They take the child to therapy.

They agree that something needs to be done about the child.

The family now has a problem.

And the marriage gets a break from being the problem.

Bowen called this the family projection process.

The name sounds complicated.

The idea isn’t.

A family can put so much attention on one person that everyone starts acting as though that person is where the trouble lives.

Sometimes that person really does need help.

But their symptoms may also be connected to what is happening around them.

A family can make one person look sick when the anxiety actually belongs to everyone.

Sometimes the family needs someone to be the problem

This is why a family can feel better when one person gets better, and then suddenly someone else starts struggling.

The child who was acting out calms down.

Then the mother becomes overwhelmed.

The mother gets better.

Then the father starts drinking.

The father stops.

Now the marriage is falling apart.

Bowen’s theory gives us another way to look at this.

Instead of asking only:

What’s wrong with this person?

We can also ask:

What’s happening around this person?

That doesn’t mean the person’s problems aren’t real.

It means we don’t have to pretend they exist on their own.

This is where couples come in

Sometimes the child is not the only person who needs help.

Sometimes the parents need somewhere to deal with what is happening between them.

Because children notice more than adults think they do.

They notice when Dad stops talking.

They notice when Mom is angry.

They notice who everyone is afraid to upset.

They notice who has to keep the peace.

They notice when everyone suddenly becomes nice because Grandma is coming over.

They learn the rules.

Nobody has to explain them.

This is one reason couples work and family work can overlap.

When two adults can handle stress between themselves (when they can disagree, talk, repair and stay connected), their children don’t have to carry as much of that tension.

The goal isn’t to create a family where nobody gets angry.

That’s not a family.

The goal is to help people handle anger, fear, disappointment and conflict without making one person carry all of it.

If you read the post on the Four Horsemen, this is the other half of that story. Those four patterns are what the stress between two adults looks like. Bowen shows where it goes when nobody deals with it.

You don’t need everyone in the room

This is important.

You don’t always need the whole family sitting on the same couch.

Bowen believed that one person’s ability to respond differently could affect the larger family.

That does not mean one person is responsible for fixing everyone.

It means you can change your part of the pattern.

You can stop jumping in every time someone gets upset.

You can stop being the peacekeeper.

You can stop making one person the villain.

You can learn to say what you actually think.

You can stay calm without becoming cold.

You can stay close without giving up yourself.

And when one person changes the way they respond, other people may have to respond differently too.

Sometimes you can start alone.

Sometimes you start as a couple.

Sometimes the family never comes into the room at all.

The family teaches you without teaching you

Most families have rules nobody wrote down.

That’s just how your father is.

Don’t upset your mother.

Let him cool off.

She’ll get over it.

Don’t tell Grandma.

We don’t talk about that.

And then there are the roles.

The responsible one.

The difficult one.

The sensitive one.

The successful one.

The one who never causes trouble.

The one everyone worries about.

Children learn these roles early.

They learn what happens when Dad gets angry.

They learn who gets comforted.

They learn who gets blamed.

They learn who has to apologize first.

Eventually, the family doesn’t have to tell them what to do.

They already know.

That pattern can follow someone long after they leave home.

You may become the person who keeps everyone happy.

You may become the person who disappears when things get tense.

You may become the person who gets angry before anyone can hurt you.

You may choose relationships that feel strangely familiar because you learned, very early, what love was supposed to feel like.

Bowen called one part of this multigenerational transmission.

Again, the name is complicated.

The idea is simple:

Families pass patterns down.

Not just stories.

Not just traditions.

Ways of reacting.

Ways of fighting.

Ways of getting close.

Ways of pulling away.

Ways of handling fear.

Sometimes those patterns have been moving through a family for generations before anyone stops to ask where they came from.

What I listen for

When someone tells me, “That’s just how my family is,” I listen.

When someone says, “He has always been the difficult one,” I listen.

When someone says, “We don’t talk about that,” I really listen.

Because families tell you a lot about themselves without realizing they’re telling you.

I listen for the phrases people repeat.

I listen for who gets blamed.

I listen for who everyone protects.

I listen for who has to stay calm.

I listen for who is allowed to be angry.

And I listen for the things nobody says.

I draw on Bowen’s ideas along with other family systems approaches.

The point isn’t to decide who is the problem.

The point is to understand the pattern.

Because once you can see the pattern, you have somewhere to begin.

Frequently asked questions

Do I have to bring my family or partner?

No. You can start by yourself or as a couple. When one person changes how they respond, the whole family pattern can start to shift.

Do you use Bowen family systems therapy?

I draw from Bowen family systems theory along with other family systems approaches. We look at relationships, patterns, anxiety, communication, and the roles people have learned to play in their families.

Do you offer therapy in Spanish?

Yes. Sessions can be in English, Spanish, or both.

How much does therapy cost?

It depends on your insurance plan. Most clients pay a copay or coinsurance. You’ll see your estimated cost on my Headway page before you book.

Do you take insurance?

Yes. I’m in-network with Aetna, Cigna, Florida Blue, UnitedHealthcare, Oscar, and other plans through Headway. Check your coverage and book on my Headway page.

When can I start?

Appointments are generally available the next day or within the same week, with sessions available every day except Saturday.

Related: ← The Four Horsemen: Why Contempt Predicts Divorce · Couples Therapy · Family Systems Therapy