When Anger Takes Over

What your anger is trying to tell you, and how to use it without hurting the people you love

Part of The ShieldMee Guide: Emotional Intensity & Personality Patterns →

“I don’t know what happens. I just explode.”

“I say things I don’t mean, then I feel terrible.”

“It’s whatever. It’s not a big deal.”

“My family is starting to walk on eggshells around me.”

Some people blow up. Some people swallow it. Many do both.

Either way, anger is worth listening to.

Safety first

If you’re afraid you might hurt someone right now, call 911, or call or text 988 to talk with someone immediately.

If your anger has turned into hitting, pushing, breaking things, threats, or controlling your partner, that’s abuse, and it needs to stop. The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 talks with people experiencing abuse, and also with people worried about their own behavior. It’s free and open 24/7.

If you’re on the receiving end of someone’s anger and you feel afraid, please reach out to the hotline too.

Anger is information

Anger isn’t the fire. It’s the alarm.

It often tells you that:

• a line was crossed
• you feel unsafe or disrespected
• a need keeps getting ignored
• something important to you is under threat

Anger often sits on top of other feelings, like hurt, fear, shame or grief. It can feel easier to be mad than to feel those.

Two ways anger goes wrong

Exploding. Yelling, slamming, saying cruel things, then guilt and apologies. The people around you start to feel scared.

Swallowing. “It’s fine.” “It doesn’t matter.” But it leaks out as sarcasm, coldness or resentment. Or it turns inward and feels like depression.

Both often come from the same place: a home where anger was dangerous, or where feelings weren’t allowed.

Anger and your relationship

Partners of people who explode often stop sharing, to avoid setting them off. That kills closeness.

Partners of people who swallow anger often feel confused. Everything seems fine, until it suddenly isn’t.

John Gottman’s research found that how a conversation starts often predicts how it ends. A harsh start usually leads to a bad finish.

In couples sessions, we slow arguments down, find what each of you is really upset about, and practice saying it without attacking.

Couples therapy is not the right place to start if there is violence or fear of violence at home. Safety comes first.

What helps

Notice your early signs. Clenched jaw, hot face, fast heart. The earlier you catch it, the more choice you have.

Take a real break. Leave the room before you say something you can’t take back. Then come back to finish the talk.

Ask what’s underneath. “What hurt right before I got angry?”

Say the need, not the attack. “I need help with the kids” instead of “You never do anything.”

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) has good research for anger problems.

How I work

I listen for anger in the words, even when it’s quiet. “It’s whatever.” “I shouldn’t feel this way.” “It must be my fault.” Those phrases often hide anger that never got space.

And for people who explode, I listen for what the anger is guarding.

If a court ordered you to get help, see my page on court-ordered therapy to check whether my services fit what’s required.

Who this work is for

• Adults in Florida who explode, or who bottle anger up
• Couples whose arguments keep getting out of hand
• Parents who don’t want to repeat what they grew up with
• Spanish-speaking or bilingual adults and couples

Wanting to change is enough to start.

Who this isn’t for

I work with adults. If you are under 18, this page is not describing services for you.

If you are in immediate danger or thinking about suicide, call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

If there is violence, threats or control in the relationship, start with the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, not couples therapy.

Sessions must take place while you are physically located in Florida.

Frequently asked questions

Is anger a bad emotion?

No. Anger is normal and often useful. The problem is what we do with it. We work on using it without hurting anyone, including you.

Do you offer anger management classes?

I offer individual and couples therapy, not classes or groups. If a court or employer requires a specific program, check their requirements first.

Can my partner come too?

Yes. I see individuals, couples and families. Whether couples sessions are covered depends on your insurance plan. You’ll see your estimated cost on my Headway page before you book.

Do you offer therapy in Spanish?

Yes. Sessions can be in Spanish, English, or both.

How much does therapy cost?

It depends on your insurance plan. Most clients pay a copay or coinsurance. You’ll see your estimated cost on my Headway page before you book.

Do you take insurance?

Yes. I’m in-network with Aetna, Cigna, Florida Blue, UnitedHealthcare, Oscar, and other plans through Headway. Check your coverage and book on my Headway page.

When can I start?

Appointments are generally available the next day or within the same week, every day except Saturday.

Related reading: Why I Shut Down During Conflict · Resentment in Marriage · Court-Ordered Therapy