Why I Keep Choosing Unavailable Partners
Why the distant ones feel like chemistry, and how to choose differently
Eduardo Florez, LMHC #MH23066 · October 7, 2026 · 4-min read
Part of The ShieldMee Guide: Couples & Relationships →
“I always fall for the ones who can’t commit.”
“I’m always the one trying harder.”
“If I give them space, maybe they’ll come closer.”
“The nice ones bore me. What’s wrong with me?”
If you keep ending up with people who keep you at arm’s length, it’s not bad luck.
It’s a pattern. And patterns can be understood and changed.
Familiar is not the same as good
We’re drawn to what feels familiar, not always to what’s good for us.
If love growing up was warm one day and cold the next, or if you had to earn attention, that’s what love may feel like to you now.
A partner who is distant, then close, then distant again can feel like home. Even when it hurts.
Why it feels like chemistry
Not knowing where you stand keeps your mind busy and your heart racing.
That anxious, on-edge feeling is easy to confuse with passion.
So when someone shows up steady and clear, it can feel flat. Even boring.
Stable love often feels boring at first. That’s your body adjusting to calm, not a sign something is missing.
Why you stay
You stay because you keep hoping this time will be different.
Because winning their attention would prove you’re worth it.
Because chasing feels like doing something.
The chase can feel meaningful. But you end up giving more and more for less and less.
Ready to stop chasing?
Use your insurance · see your cost before you book
What this looks like in a relationship
Often one partner chases and the other pulls away. The more one reaches, the more the other backs up.
Attachment research describes this as an anxious and avoidant pairing. It’s common, and it’s exhausting for both people.
If you’re in a relationship now, couples sessions can help both of you see the loop and step out of it.
If you’re single, we look at how you choose, so the next relationship starts differently.
If conflict in your relationship includes threats, hitting, pushing, or one partner controlling the other’s money, phone or movements, that’s not a communication problem. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. It’s free and open 24/7.
What helps
Learn your pattern. What hooks you? The mystery? The challenge? The rescue?
Stop confusing intensity with closeness. Butterflies aren’t always a good sign. Sometimes they’re a warning.
Practice receiving. Let someone show up for you without having to chase them.
Give steady people a real chance. Choose what’s unfamiliar but healthy, and give your body time to catch up.
How I work
I listen for the sentences you repeat. “I don’t want to be too much.” “I just want them to choose me.” Those words show me the story you learned about love.
I also look at your family patterns. You’re not broken. You’re choosing what matches your history. We work on changing the history’s grip on the choice.
You might recognize yourself here
- You get attached fast to people who stay vague.
- You feel most drawn to someone right when they pull away.
- You make yourself smaller so you won’t scare them off.
- You lose interest when someone is clearly into you.
- You check your phone constantly waiting for a reply.
- Your friends can see the pattern before you can.
Who this work is for
- Adults in Florida who keep repeating the same relationship pattern
- Couples stuck in a chase-and-retreat loop
- People who want to date differently next time
- Spanish-speaking or bilingual adults and couples
You don’t need to be in a relationship to start.
Who this isn’t for
I work with adults. If you are under 18, this page is not describing services for you.
If you are in immediate danger or thinking about suicide, call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
If there is violence, threats or control in the relationship, start with the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, not couples therapy.
Sessions must take place while you are physically located in Florida.
Start with the pattern you see
You don’t need to have it figured out.
You can start with one sentence:
“I keep picking people who can’t love me back.”
We can start there.
In-network with Aetna, Cigna, Florida Blue, UnitedHealthcare and more through Headway · 53-minute sessions
Telehealth anywhere in Florida · English / Español
In crisis? Call or text 988.
Frequently asked questions
Does this mean I have an attachment disorder?
No. Attachment patterns are common ways of relating, not a diagnosis. They can shift with awareness and practice.
Can you help if I’m single?
Yes. Some of the best work on this pattern happens before the next relationship starts.
Can my partner come too?
Yes. I see individuals, couples and families. Whether couples sessions are covered depends on your insurance plan. You’ll see your estimated cost on my Headway page before you book.
Do you offer therapy in Spanish?
Yes. Sessions can be in Spanish, English, or both.
How much does therapy cost?
It depends on your insurance plan. Most clients pay a copay or coinsurance. You’ll see your estimated cost on my Headway page before you book.
Do you take insurance?
Yes. I’m in-network with Aetna, Cigna, Florida Blue, UnitedHealthcare, Oscar, and other plans through Headway. Check your coverage and book on my Headway page.
When can I start?
Appointments are generally available the next day or within the same week, every day except Saturday.
Eduardo Florez, LMHC
Eduardo Florez, LMHC, has worked across forensic, institutional and private practice settings. He is the founder and clinical director of ShieldMee, a Florida nonprofit telehealth practice, and works bilingually with couples in crisis and clients for whom therapy hasn’t worked before.
Related reading: Why Do I Keep Ending Up With Chaotic Partners? · Why Closeness Feels Dangerous
Ready to talk to someone?
ShieldMee offers telehealth therapy across Florida for individuals, couples, and families. Insurance accepted through Headway.
Start TherapyIf you're in crisis, call or text 988 any time.