Not Two Boxes

What Kinsey found about human sexuality, and what it means for you

Part of The ShieldMee Guide: Couples & Relationships →

“Is this normal?”

“Everyone else seems to have it figured out.”

“I shouldn’t want this.”

“We haven’t had sex in months. Is that normal?”

“What if I’m not what I thought I was?”

Almost everyone has asked one of these questions.

Usually in private.

Usually without an answer.

The question underneath: is this normal?

Most people learned about sex from rules.

From family.

From church.

From friends who knew as little as they did.

The rules said what was normal.

And many people grew up quietly worried that they didn’t fit.

What Kinsey did

In the late 1930s, a biologist named Alfred Kinsey began asking Americans detailed questions about their sexual lives.

Not just what people were supposed to do.

What they actually experienced.

Kinsey and his colleagues interviewed thousands of people about sexual behavior, attraction, and experience. The research was published in two major reports, in 1948 and 1953.

The findings challenged many assumptions about sex in American life.

Behaviors and experiences that were often treated as rare or unspeakable appeared in the data more often than many people expected.

The gap between what people were told was “normal” and what people actually reported was larger than many Americans had assumed.

The Kinsey scale

Kinsey also developed a way to describe sexual experience along a continuum.

His scale ran from 0 to 6:

• 0: exclusively heterosexual
• 3: equally heterosexual and homosexual
• 6: exclusively homosexual

The numbers in between described different degrees of heterosexual and homosexual experience or response.

Kinsey also used an X category for people who reported no socio-sexual contacts or reactions. Today, some people might identify as asexual, but Kinsey’s X category is not the same thing as the modern concept of asexuality.

The important idea was not that everyone belongs at a different number.

It was that human sexuality could be more complicated than two rigid categories suggested.

What Kinsey got wrong

Kinsey changed how people talked about sex.

But his work had real limitations.

His samples were not representative of the entire U.S. population by today’s standards. Some participants came from populations that were easier for his team to reach, including people in prisons and other institutional settings. That means his famous percentages should not be treated as precise estimates of how common a behavior is in the population today.

His scale also does not capture everything researchers now understand about sexual orientation.

Attraction, behavior, fantasy, emotional connection, and identity can overlap, but they are not the same thing.

Someone can be attracted to a person and never have sex with them.

Someone can have a sexual experience that doesn’t match the label they use.

And sexual orientation is different from gender identity.

Researchers have built on Kinsey’s work for decades, while also developing more nuanced ways to understand sexuality.

Sexuality is more than one thing

Today, researchers can look at sexuality as several things at once:

Who you’re attracted to.

What you actually do.

What you fantasize about.

Who you feel emotionally close to.

What you call yourself.

These don’t always line up.

And for some people, aspects of sexuality can change over a lifetime.

That’s true for everyone, straight people included.

Desire changes after kids.

After loss.

With age.

In long marriages.

Change isn’t automatically a sign that something is wrong. It’s part of being human.

Where shame comes in

For many people, the hardest part of sexuality isn’t sex.

It’s shame.

Shame about what you want.

Shame about what you don’t want.

Shame about questions you’ve never asked out loud.

Shame keeps people quiet, even with the person they share a bed with.

And what goes unsaid tends to grow.

What therapy looks like with me

I won’t hand you a label.

I won’t tell you what you should want.

I won’t be shocked.

We can talk openly about desire, attraction, relationships, faith, family, shame, and what you want your life to look like.

I work with individuals and with couples.

To be clear about my role: I’m not a certified sex therapist. I work with the relationship, the shame, the questions, and the identity pieces. If you need specialized sex therapy, or if something may be medical, I’ll help you find the right person.

I affirm LGBTQ+ people. I do not practice conversion therapy.

Who this work is for

• Adults with questions about sexuality, attraction, or desire
• Couples whose sex life has become a source of distance or conflict
• People questioning their orientation, at any age
• Anyone carrying shame about sexuality from family, faith, or culture

You don’t need a label, or even a clear question, to start.

Who this isn’t for

I work with adults. If you are under 18, this page is not describing services for you.

If you are in immediate danger or thinking about suicide, call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

This isn’t the right place if you want someone to change your sexual orientation.

Sessions must take place while you are physically located in Florida.

Frequently asked questions

Do I have to be LGBTQ+ for this?

No. Questions about sexuality, desire, relationships, and shame come up for people of all orientations.

Are you a sex therapist?

No. I’m a licensed mental health counselor, not a certified sex therapist. I work with the relationship, the shame, and the questions around sexuality. For specialized sex therapy or medical concerns, I’ll help you find the right referral.

Can my partner come too?

It depends on your insurance plan. Most clients pay a copay or coinsurance. You’ll see your estimated cost on my Headway page before you book.

What number am I on the Kinsey scale?

You don’t need one. The scale was a research tool, not a test. It also doesn’t capture every part of modern understandings of sexual orientation. What matters is understanding your own experience.

Do you offer therapy in Spanish?

Yes. Sessions can be in Spanish, English, or both.

How much does therapy cost?

It depends on your insurance plan. Most clients pay a copay or coinsurance. You’ll see your estimated cost on my Headway page before you book.

Do you take insurance?

Yes. I’m in-network with Aetna, Cigna, Florida Blue, UnitedHealthcare, Oscar, and other plans through Headway. Check your coverage and book on my Headway page.

When can I start?

Appointments are generally available the next day or within the same week, every day except Saturday.

Related reading: LGBTQ+ Affirming Therapy · How Do You Know? · The Four Horsemen